Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. L Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. Grab your torch and pitchforks. Hey let's get some parfait No I don't like parfait measuring we. our. Aah! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre! By night one way by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Princess ugly Who could love a hideous ugly beast? Me me me! I do's Speak now or forever hold your peace. I object! happily ever after. By night one way by day another. Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true from. Take love's true form. Shrek: Laughing Like that's ever gonna happen. Paper Rustling Toilet Flushes What a load of-- Toilet Door slams Shrek hops out his outhouse and routine like taking mud shower farting in pool. ? All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing Steve Harwell: ? Somebody once told me the world is roll me I ain't sharpest tool shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger thumb shape an on forehead. The years start comin' they don't stop fed to rules hit ground runnin' didn't make sense not live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head dumb. So much do so see what's wrong takin' backstreets. You'll never know if you go you'll shine glow. Hey now you're all-star. Get game on go play. rock star. show get paid. And all that glitters gold only shootin' stars break mold. It's cool place say it colder bundled up wait till older. But meteor men beg differ judging by hole satellite picture. ice we skate gettin' pretty thin water's getting warm might as well swim. My world's fire how 'bout yours? That's way I'll bored. Shouting Belches Villagers: Go! Record Scrating Go. star Think it's there? All right! Let's it! Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do what thing could do you? 2: Yeah it'll grind bones its bread. Laughs Yes well actually would be giant. Now ogres-- they're worse. They'll suit from freshly peeled skin. 3: No! shave liver. Squeeze jelly eyes! Actually quite good toast. Back! Back beast! warn ya! Gasping Right. Roaring Roaring Continues Shouting Whispers This part where run away. stay out! Sighs Guard right. one's full. Take away! Gasps Move along. Come up! Captain Guards: Next! Give that! flying days are over. 20 pieces silver witch. Next. 4: Twenty pieces. 5: on! Thudding 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet! Bear: Crying cage too small. Donkey: Please turn in. stubborn again. can change. Please! another chance! Old Lady: Oh shut Oh! have got? Geppetto: little wooden puppet. Pinocchio: I'm real boy. Five shillings possessed toy. Father please! Don't let them this! Help me! Well I've got talking donkey. Grunts ten shillings prove it. ahead fella. Well? oh he's just-- He's just nervous. really chatterbox. Talk boneheaded dolt-- heard enough. Guards! No no he talks! He does. Moves Donkey’s lips talk. love talkingest damn saw. my sight. no! swear. talk! fly! Peter Pan: Pigs: Ha ha! right fool! Now flying talking You seen housefly maybe even superfly bet donkey fly. Uh-oh. Seize him! 7: After Grunts Gasps 8: way! Turn! there. Ogre! Aye? order Lord Farquaad am authorized place both under arrest transport designated resettlement facility. really? army? Gasps Whimpering Chuckles Can somethin' Listen really back Incredible! Are talkin' to-- me? Whoa! you. tell great Those guards! They thought that. Then showed up then bam! trippin' over themselves babies woods. That made feel see great. Really. Man free. why celebrate freedom own friends? Hmm? But uh any friends. goin' there myself. minute! idea! stick You're mean green fightin' machine. Together we'll scare spit anybody crosses us. wow! scary. If mind sayin' work breath certainly will job done 'cause definitely need some Tic Tacs or something stinks! almost burned hair outta nose time-- Mumbling ate rotten berries. had strong gases eking butt day. Why following why. 'Cause alone. There's no one here beside me. problems gone there's deride gotta friends-- Stop singing! wonder Wow. Only true friend cruelly honest. look at I? Uh-- Really tall? ogre. know. Doesn't bother Nope. Really? Really really. Oh. What's name? Uh Shrek. Shrek? about you I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. respect that Whoo! Look Who'd want that? home. lovely! Just beautiful. decorator. amazing you've done such modest budget. boulder. nice guess entertain much privacy. know too. common. Like hate when somebody face. trying give hint won't leave. awkward silence. know? what? Please? Of course! No. wanna considered freak. do. together. stay! Okay! night only. Ah! Thank you! you-- We late swappin' manly stories mornin' makin' waffles. Where sleep? Outside! cool. outside best. Sniffles Here go. Good night. outdoors. born outside. sitting Outside guess. Outside. alone Bubbling Creaking outside? Clattering Mouse gents far cry farm choice have? home fine. Gorder: lovely bed. Got ya. Sniffs found cheese. Ow! Blah! Awful stuff. Is Gorder? How did Enough! doing house? Hey! Snickers no. Dead broad off table. Dwarf: supposed put her? bed's taken. Huh? Wolf: What? swamp. signs. terrifying ogre! privacy? Aah! Cackling Cackling Girl: Quit push. Squeaking Lows swamp? Echoing Swamp? Fairies: dear! here. move go! Hapaya! Quickly. Not don’t invite them. gosh invited were forced come who? Pig: Farquaad. huffed und puffed he... singed eviction notice. Who knows this Farquaad guy is. Murmuring Does anyone else find him? Anyone all? Me! Anyone? pick know! Me Okay Attention fairy tale things. comfortable. welcome officially worn out. In fact right land came from! Cheering Twittering Cheering You! comin' hear man. Donkey two stalwart friends whirlwind big-city adventure. On road Sing Hey. oh! can't singing? whistle? hum it? ?? Humming Gurgling Coughing Farquaad: enough! ready Clears Throat Run run fast can. catch gingerbread man! Gingy: monster. monster here are! rest trash poisoning perfect world. others!? Eat Spits tried fair creatures. patience has reached end! Tell I'll-- buttons! gumdrop then. Who's hiding them? Okay. muffin man? Yes. lives Drury Lane? she's married She's Door Opens lord! waiting for? Bring Man Grunting Magic Mirror. him anything! Evening. Mirror mirror wall. most kingdom Mirror: technically king. Thelonius. saying? mean is king yet. become one. marry princess. Go So sit relax lord because time meet today's eligible bachelorettes. Bachelorette number mentally abused shut-in far likes sushi hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking cleaning evil sisters. Please Cinderella. cape-wearing girl fancy. Although she seven other men easy. kiss dead frozen lips wire Snow White! last least bachelorette three fiery redhead dragon-guarded castle surrounded boiling lava! off. loaded pistol who piña coladas caught rain. Yours rescuing Fiona! be one three? Two! Three! Three? One? Shudders Thelonius: Pick three okay three! chosen Fiona. Escape Rupert Holmes Holmes: coladas. into yoga. perfect. someone go-- probably should mention happens after sunset. Silence! Fiona queen Duloc finally king! Captain assemble finest men. We're going tournament. Duloc. ya I'd must Farquaad's castle. Uh-huh. place. think compensating something? Groans wait. Wait Man: Hurry darling. late. Hurry. Screams second. Look eat Whimpering Whimpering Groans Turnstile Clatters Instrumental Music quiet. Too everybody? Clattering Whirring Clicking Clicking Clicking Quickens Clockwork Chorus: Welcome town. rules us lay down. waves line along fine keep grass shoes wipe your... place! Camera Shutter Clicks Whirring Wow! again! Trumpet Fanfare Crowd Cheering Brave knights. best brightest land. Donkey Humming Today shall himself-- smacked bottom. Sorry champion honor-- no-- privilege forth rescue Fiona dragon. reason winner unsuccessful first runner-up take forth. Some may die sacrifice willing make. Let tournament begin! Knight hideous! Ah very nice. Indeed. Knights new plan! kills ogre named champion! Have hey! Hang now. Woman: ahead! Can't settle pint? Kill No? Bad Reputation Joan Jett Halfcocked: reputation. living past generation. Damn! Whinnying A wants bad Shrek tag Tag Never said wanted improve station. always feelin' having Yeah! please Wrestling Fan: chair! Bell Dings yeah! much! Thursday. Try veal! Shrek Laughs Gasping Murmuring 9: Shall order sir? better idea. People Duloc! our Congratulations won honor embarking noble quest. Quest? already quest swamp back. swamp! dumped those creatures! deal. Exactly was? Down last slime-covered toadstool. squatters? As gone. quest? straight. fight dragon princess swamp which filled full freaks right? Maybe donkeys shouldn't it pull stuff Throttle him siege fortress bread whole trip. what. decapitated entire village their heads pike gotten knife cut open spleen drink fluids. sound For information lot more ogres than people think. Example? um onions. stink? Yes-- cry? leave sun brown sproutin' white hairs. Layers! Onions layers. Ogres layers! everybody Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes care everyone likes. Ogres. not. cakes. likes? Parfaits. met person say Parfaits delicious. dense irritating miniature beast burden! onions! End story. Bye-bye. See later. delicious dang planet. preferred humming. tissue making mess. word parfait makes slobbering. Way Proclaimers Proclaimers: misery happiness today. Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh. everything receive yonder day wander way. Ooh! Shrek! Did before crack mouth everything. Believe you'd dead. brimstone. close. smell. It wasn't stone either. Rumbling Sure big enough location. Remember layers? aye. bit confession Donkeys wear fear sleeves. mean. afraid heights? uncomfortable being rickety lake Donkey. ya okay. emotional support. We'll tackle together baby step time. better. moving. down! God Please. halfway. half safe! this. Wait! Donkey-- dance then we? sorry. this? This? This doin' die. That'll Cool. fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? Inside her. Water Dripping Wind Howling Whispering afraid? but-- Shh. good. Me neither. nothin' bein' afraid. Fear's sensible response unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation add. With dragon breathes fire eats knights sure doesn't coward scared heck coward. things okay? Shut... up. stairs. Stairs? stairs highest room tallest tower. she'll read book once. handle whip goin'. drastic steps. Kick curb. mess stair master. mastered wish least where's the--? Dragon! Roars Shouts Screaming Growls large teeth have. sparkling teeth. hear food bleach dazzling smile detect hint minty freshness? else? You're-- dragon! sure! course 'Cause reeking feminine beauty. matter something eye? Ooh. stay but I'm uh-- Coughs asthmatic it'd work blow smoke rings Groans Sighs Chorus Vocalizing Vocalizing Fiona: Armor: Wake Fiona? am awaiting knight bold let's wait Sir Knight. be-ith meeting. Should wonderful romantic moment? Amror: Yeah. Sorry lady. doing? sweep feet window rope onto valiant steed. You've plan this haven't Mm-hmm. Screams Grunts savor moment! recite epic poem ballad? sonnet! limerick? Or something! so. name champion? Um pray favor token gratitude. Thanks. slay dragon? to-do list. isn't You’re meant charge in sword drawn banner flying! did! burst flame! point! Wait. going? exit's save ass. One kind. Slow down baby please. believe healthy long period call old-fashioned. rush physical relationship. emotionally commitment of this-- Magnitude looking for. Magnitude-- unwanted contact. each friends pen pals. lot receiving cards and-- hey tail! personal ail. tear permission No Hi Princess! trick! Thuds two! Head exit! Run! Panting Whimpers Roars Whimpers Dragon Growling Distance rescued amazing. wonderful. You're... unorthodox admit. thy deed great thine heart pure. eternally debt. brave without steed? hope called Fiona battle won. remove helmet not? helmet hair. would'st upon face rescuer. wouldn't'st. description. perk. destiny. goes. locked tower beset knight share love's kiss. think-- love? yes. love! funny? type course are. Now-- helmet. Look. to. Now! Easy. command Highness. You-- expecting Prince Charming. yes actually. wrong. Princess sent question. ask love. pet. easier. sorry problem. properly messenger boy delivery wouldn't dare. Put Ya Donkey? behind suffer consequences! dignified! here's Say woman digs easy feelings aren't hurt crisp eaten? Everyone your-- sooner yeah. there Princess? beautiful! groom-to-be? Farquaad? like? way Princess. Men standards short supply. There him. Both Laughing jealous measure ruler Maybe. tomorrow. Tomorrow? It'll long? Shouldn't camp? that'll longer. robbers Time out Camping startin' scarier anything we're forest. somewhere camp now! Bird Wings Fluttering Grunting Over fit needs few homey touches. Homey touches? Crashing door. gentlemen bid thee bedtime story? will. said night! know-- kidding. Fire Crackling And Throwback wheat fields. future these stars? future stories. Bloodnut Flatulent. famous look. group hunters running away stench. bunch dots. Sometimes things appear. Forget Our through rescuing We? build ten-foot wall around deep deep think? hidin' mind onion drop-it leave-it-alone talk to? blocking? blocking. warning out? Everyone! Okay? somewhere. Pete! problem? against world? problem seems problem judge When met big stupid there's Gabby Small Annoying. shiny moon. Orchestra Dulcimer Again. Show Music Stops Rewinds Hmph. Rewinds Resumes Ah. Perfect. Inhales Snoring Vocalizing Whistling Whistling Vocalizes Whistles Vocalizing High-pitched Whistling Continues Sizzling Sniffs Yawns Mmm yeah baby. wake morning. eggs? morning about? yesterday. all thanks. We've ahead compliment. Better say. behave front nasty exactly expected. Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Be still cherie savior! green Kissing Sounds beast. own! monsters! busy here? pal. rude. introduce Merry Men! Accordion Men: Ta dah whoo! steal rich needy. takes wee percentage. greedy. damsels. guy Hood! Break honest saucy maid. basically saying get-- Paid. So. bush grabs lady tush bad. beauty's awfully mad. blade ram heart. eyes boys start! Tarzan Yell Karate Merry Gasping Panting annoying! little-- yell Shouting Groaning yells 3 times Groaning phone. Whoa whoa whoa. from? That! Back amazing! learn Well-- case a-- arrow butt! fault. Why? wrong? Shrek's hurt. hurt? young legs elevated. Turn cough. Heimlich? Donkey! Calm help woods blue flower red thorns. Blue flower tunnel light! flowers rid hold yank Easy yankin'. tender. opposite help. move. Would propose do? easier color-blind! comin'! nearly head. about-- Ohh! Ahem. Nothing happened. just as mind! Ugh! Nervous Chuckle That's-- blood? Chirping Beloved Monster Eels Eels: beloved everywhere Wearin' raincoat four sleeves kinds weather. comes between awful sting. Croaks oh-oh-oh-oh. La-la la-la la-la-la-la. la-la. awaits Duloc? thinks means really-- I Sure. I'm-- worried Blubbering next Dead. awful. down? tea. nothin' twinge neck Bones Crunch See? hungry? dinner. firewood. goin'? man toes! hug. Mmm. weedrat. Rotisserie style. also stews. brag weedrat stew. Chuckling dining differently tomorrow Gulps visit sometime. cook Swamp toad soup fish eye tartare-- Slurps pyramids Nile. Watch sunrise tropical isle. wondering. remember darling while. belong romantic? Sunset? I-It's minute. dark Yes! terrified. inside. bad used too until-- still dark. Creaks animal instincts. diggin' other. crazy. bringing smell pheromones. feel. I-- nothing tell. Besides sayin' don't-- princess An ogre? To get... Wings spooky playing games. help! Shh! princess? body. God! princess! breathing! Muffled Mumbling happened You're different. ugly Was ate? rats eat said. been remember. mean? before. sun goes wrote poetry. spell. girl witch cast spell Every horrible placed await tomorrow sets sees Sobs ugly. lie. 24-7. ogre Shrek-- how's going Good? saw pretty. anyway. I'd-- trouble. whoever want. hideous ugly? chance happily Deep Sigh be. truth. breathe word. point able secrets? Promise Promise! should. over serious therapy. twitchin'. want-- Perfect! anything enough said? understand. Yeah? Horse Whinnies brought something. Fanfare Yawns What'd miss? Muffled Couldn't promised. hand Very cleared ad agreed. change mind. Forgive startling startled radiant beauty saying short farewell. sweet. waste manners feelings. doesn't. beautiful fair flawless marriage. Will bride groom? accept. Excellent! plans wed! wait? today sets. anxious sooner do! caterer cake band guest round guests! Fare-thee-well letting talked She's-- pals ya? follow home? coming home alone! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless pathetic annoying donkeys! thought-- wrong! Hallelujah John Cale Cale: secret chord David played pleased Lord. music fourth fifth minor fall major lift. baffled composing hallelujah. Hallelujah hallelujah Baby before walked floor alone knew flag marble arch victory march. cold broken learned shoot outdrew Moaning night who's light. Thumping Sound think people recognize wall's Around half. See half Hmm. helped work. booty. old rock looks off! Stubborn jackass! Smelly Fine! Uh-uh. always what! turn! pay attention! insult appreciate pushing yeah? treated back? Because forgive other! stabbin' back! wrapped layers are again Love creature. talking. about else. Uh-uh anything. listen Right? for Friends? Friends. asking wedding! Ha-ha-ha! fear will animal magnetism. Aw slobbery. hop tight. install seat belts Bells Tolling All Bishop: Duloc gather today bear witness union... Um-- now king-- Excuse Could skip whistle. wait! preacher's Listen woman to try tenderness. chicks crap! Cut does line? check so power vested me... see? town's ...I pronounce husband wife... They're altar. ...king queen. Mother Fletcher! object! want? Clamoring everyone. Havin' time all. clean. rude alive showing uninvited wedding-- talk? late excuse me-- Because-- marrying Outrageous! mean-- precious. fallen Laughing true? cares? preposterous! love Mmmm! explains lot. disgusting! sight them! both! hocus-pocus alters nothing. marriage binding stand morons. Arrgh! regret met. drawn quartered! death wife days! order! perfection! have-- Aaah! use Roars edge! Celebrity marriages. they? All: Aawww! Echoing hoping happy ending. Believer tales. Oy! Meant seemed disappointment haunted dreams. believer. trace. doubt Choir: Ohh-ahh. believer couldn't leaver tried. God bless us every y'all! Ha-ha! Listen! Ooh-ahh. Mice: Uh! face! believer! Uhh! time! believe Y'all sing believe! Mouth: believe. Hysterical funny. breathe.