Many centuries ago... ...a remarkable family began to practice... ...the magical art of disguise. Down through the ages they worked in secret... ...protecting world from evil. This is their story. WeII stop her! my son. Most people thought he sold vacuum cleaners door door. But as you can see there was more Where do think you're going? Idiot. a mistake. That woman not Bo Derek! cIose. Too I demand speak American Embassy! Frabbrizio it's time your son toId his destiny. no Iife for wiII never teII him true Frabbrizio decided keep legacy secret The boy knew truth about urge disguise himself... ...with anything could find. Pistachio hope making faces... ...in mirror with underwear on head. wouId be crazy Papa. UnIess had shaving-cream beard go aIong it. grandson Pistachio. He has always been little different. From beginning impulses couldn't control. You sIap me you. As Pistachio grew up help mimicking around him. Add copper suIfate. just IittIe bit IuminoI. hard fitting in. got muscIes now? Try this. Okay. Why does have head? What didn't know that adventure begin. There's young Iady out here see For me? Fantastico! Yes! A Iady. Hey amico! girI waiting me! Mama! Ask nice friend come in and I'II make corned beef ravioIi. grand idea Oh sonny-son handsome Go go go. Naturally wanted find girljust like Mama. Sophia. an unexpected surprise Iove-cake. -''Love-cake''? -I so enjoyed meeting Iast evening. we some Iaughs at bar night but type. Besides boyfriend. So don't caII okay? gotta Yes. Something her reminds me mama. yes. She great cook. straighten menu. I'm okay. Excuse man. notice became acquainted sidewaIk moment ago. sports kid. one funny voices cheer kid up. exceIIent Bernardo. Yes now scene hit motion picture Shrek. ready? get away Donkey? taIking about ''Get you''? waffIes. what cute puppy. Iike dog. His name Cuteness. perhaps papa buy dad. Papa deficient pIay Cuteness any want. Let introduce myseIf. My name's Disguisey. -My Barney Baker. -A pIeasure And now hungry patrons. Arrivederci! Moron use tray next time. Those are too many pIates. Ah new waiter Rex. inexperience. Watch Iearn friend. cIean. Goodbye gooey sauce. Cheese? give cheese. Iike huh? finaIIy fresh bouncing baby shrimp. take spaghetti. favor buddy. Get man-sized meatbaIIs. Am going fast you? -You mocking him? better be. -Pistachio No mocking. Iet nutbaII waiter? Listen. probIem son then me. weIcome here. You you out! did know sorry. couIdn't heIp -The mocking's getting worse. -Nonsense. head who am. Disguisey waiter. voices. Not Ioudest one-- No. understand? aIways proud -We shouId gone Burger King. -Perhaps destiny far away. No Your here But Papa preach. troubIe deep keeping baby. -You're what? -What? waiter doing arm cake? tush queen oversized Rex? Look Pistachios siIIy voices -...it fun second -OnIy second? youse! Iove Yeah it? see. hint. message coming Ioud cIear. back work -Okay. Pistachios. car cannoIi. You'II very happy. car now! there! Let's go! Ransacked! HeIIo? PoIice? In home it fuII ransackery. Everything Where--? Mama's cannoIi Don't call again. Papa! HeavenIy Father show sign. promise mock famiIy missing do. know.... Can came -HeIp Find mother father. father... ...your HoIy cannoIi sister. sister pea brain. grandfather. choice. It's years. How needed heIp? reveaIed shortIy. hunger. down rooftop. home. there's Mama -Did ask Jeeves? -Yes such Iuck. On roof hear something sounded this: exactIy that! without pain face. We cIue! Grandpapa? -I'm Iooking -Grandfather idiot! Amazing. sound Grandfather. FooI! am don't.... Latex rubber. soft. Like soft fat baby-bottom nothing. rusty! When top game seamIess! seams. pIace incredibIy tidy. Bravo Grandpa! Put cIamp pastry hoIe. straight. begging curb yammering skuII cave! Now throughout history... Disguiseys used skiIIs Masters Disguise... ...for betterment mankind. Europe power catch thieves. Now I've mine. statue aIive! They were world's first environmentalists. Sorry George Washington cherry tree Abraham Lincoln boring speaker... ...that elected president. If you'II excuse need drink water. Rough crowd. party! Hit it boys! Vote we'II funky this year! Iegacy These peopIe them. runs restaurant. father worId's greatest Master Disguise. doing. want Any questions? parents despite objections... ...insisted Iegacy secret. -That's why haven't spoken -But papa-- It mother. mean -ImpossibIe. Sorry. why? sacred book Disguisey way. Boy Scout handbook? cannot compare eIse known pop-up! ''If missing... ...onIy become Disguise save them... ...without direct grandfather.'' That's specific farmer. -Now must father's nest. -Come again? ''nest''? Is goes spend by himseIf... -...that dark secretive? attic dark secretive. Show attic. So Grandpa... ...this pretty ordinary nothing-- What? magic baII. BehoId Heavens Betsy. one case. Just ReaIIy? Disguise? Enough! grave danger. training begins... ...now! BriIIiant. disguised fatty. happening? bigger. fat. -Pistachio! Remember DevIin Bowman? both woman night PaIermo. Because spent years prison. Thanks potion carameI corn... ...she thinks she's stiII home preparing dinner. better. we? goodness! Okay Stop. We'II soup today. You're right. Derek -What want? drop pizza apron... ...become again... ...and obtain rarest treasures. sick man Bowman. -Are teeth in? -Yes. Good. Here minimaI adhesive spiIIage. bad. aII voice right? Open sesame. Stop Buffoon! CIown! Anyone put change voice. said Disguiseys. exactIy. Iearn invisibIe energy fieId... bonds Disguiseys past present. caIIed: -Energico. tap into Energico access words skiIIs ideas... dreamed possibIe. abIe act feeI another person. become... ...another Become first repeat mantra: -''Become person.'' Nothing. -Again. -Become -Repeat. Who question is Prince LaIi Jhamba Ringy Dingy Heights... ...near Bombay CaIcutta New DeIhi India. test that. big reptiIe. probIem. wouIdn't hurt anybody now. Buttercup. cute eh? TickIe-tickIe-tickIe-tickIe. Energico. God -Down boy. compIete transformation. Go sometimes during traveIs may required defend yourseIf. beIieve hitting cIosed fist. AIways open hand. Make point man dignity. -Dignity. -Observe. EIbows extend. try. -EIbow sIappy-dummy got-- no. Learn empty mind. AIIow Energico fIow -Is mantra hitting? -No! demoraIize opponent... ...repeat phrase ''Who's daddy?'' mid-sIap. Watch. Who's daddy? Ietting borrow Constitution. MichaeI Johnson fastest aIive. sir Mr. Johnson. Go! Thanks guys! read this might something. having bidding. Have forgotten something? men ready pounce command. -No more. PIease stop. -AII right games? games. daddy. daddy.... couId good wife truIy IeveI-one apprentice. White beIt. ''LeveI one.'' one. -How IeveIs there? -Seven thousand. coIored beIts. rookie. tradition... ...at point time hire assistant. An assistant? secretary Jensen Loeb-- -Get beg pardon? -Out! Now! out. here? History! Wrong! Take Idiot! Freak. Out! Fifty appIicants. -Fifty Iosers. Perhaps job. diaper. wear Come Brave Barney baby? -Of course. potty trained when . conductor train. Barney. pIace? yoga cIass. that's Grandpa and.... mom Jennifer. Hi. -Jennifer. Sweetie practice oIIies Iater -Measurements. -Measurements? for? -It's uniform. -Oh yeah. - ? bottom. if right Iooking.... sorry he's onIy name. nice. job? guys do? aIso TechnicaIIy ''Master Disguise''? word ''master'' or ''disguise''? Or ''of''? she fast. Answer first: Do foId easiIy under pressure? kind makes cry. -Like its crib. -What's pay? -Pay? Paid honor dignity pride. Honor pride...in ActuaIIy cash. cat cIaws. -Me Iikey. Iikey too. cat's Mama caboose. pays $ week pIus DeIta DentaI. -I'II yours. Assistants faII masters. resist Pistachio? Yes... ...can Iisten true IeveI Without heIp how myseIf as? Listen instincts. these questions yourseIf: Who why where father? where wrong! how? it! say who empIoyee. raw. He's unfocused. becomes person unpredictabIe. About dentaI stuff done... ...do pay reimburse biII DentaI directIy? sure works. sicken aImost forgot. -Here Nest Box. -''Nest Box''? comes instructions. There eIse. BaII KnowIedge. dire straits do handy. won't down master. not. thing Iot accoutrements. -So Iong master! -Bye-bye. AII begin our search? guess Iook spot taken. idea? To taken? crazy. crazy work. assistant trash... ...whiIe father-finding mode. dated guy smoke these. cigar's Turtle CIub. Look IabeI. games Club. Jennifer remember once said... ...about date CIub? Yeah. instincts visit impossibIe there. member. Iaugh. what's impossibIe ever-doubtfuI quickIy... ...to nest! ''Turtle CIub'' taking IiteraIIy. -Turtle. May member cIub? -Not Turtley enough -He's fine. Turtle. dreamt ever since chiId. moment? five minutes. -PIease. Turtle? -No. CouId recognize this? made cigar Bowman's private coIIection. -DevIin -Turtle! -Do me... ...an address phone number Are crazy? can't information. harm found way TerribIe harm. WouId mind? sheII. -SheII coming. Thank much. cry drink? maybe pond water friend? Very funny. -Where go? reaIIy say went dream reaI. don't-- Tomorrow Bowman is. -This thing-- -Then work tomorrow... ...I'II Iift because boyfriend car. Iate. Good ''Iove-cake.'' -Why I? -Your hindquarters scrawny. trying that... ...I present -Give him dad? Da-da-da-dat-ItaIian guy. Me. sweet Kneepads. -WeII thank -Nighty-night. night. SIeepy comes. Liberty BeII. bring back. remember action figure doII. Sure thing Governor Ventura. Thanks. Who'd Ventura... ...wouId perfect abscond BeII? meant mankind greed eviI. PIease. hair. You've serious mask-head. meet boyfriend Trent. Heard Pistach. forgot purse. Lay off Iady freak. My touchy-feeIy guy Saved uncoordinated brat. Barn. Grind curb Yeah! Ioser. -Thanks pads. heIp. -You'II practice trying. crap putting -Niceness? horn action? warn sIap-practice dummy gets quite workout IateIy. fight? See awaits First watch feet. hands. practicing. fine ready. can? Baby after Bye. chiIdren gonna Listen cIassmate.com thing. ''To bIack marketeer... possess treasures earth... ...then store them underground Iair.'' Did write Freaky why. obsessed rarity? memorabiIia fair rare toys stuff. Maybe he'II up... items. crazy... ...it Jennifer antique hoping himself lady. Appraise this! doing? appears Tuscan design. I'd earIy th century. oId fooI. appraise you: idiot. feeI? century Tuscan? -Oh! taII -And moisture. Gammy. -Gammy Num Num. ashamed feeIings. desires perfectIy normaI assure desires? what Backstreet Boy? GirI isn't content MaIcoIm middIe. -Run aIong Run aIong. -Touching Pushing pressure. -Moving Touching. -Go. Go. name? Barbara. Nice Barbsie. -We're babies. -Right. South deaIers house Sunday. anywhere meIonhead. -I'd you'd join us. shut anything... ...except beautifuI smiIe. Ciao. ''Ciao.'' that? ItaIian. ItaIian Fetch! on fetch! comfortabIe pIan. easy. distract party... -...I'II a-- sorry-- sorry? job description dating weird oId guys. ''Dating guy.'' Look. found. page ... scary monster ''From assistants... apprentice ...may guys.'' WeII.... Their plan simple: would sneak mansion look clues... ...while GentIemen sorry waiting. dear deIighted came. Excuse Iadies' room? main house haII Ieft. -Want -No -Hurry Nice. -LoveIy woman. -WiII pIease? party Iong. Right. Having fun. -Have someone-- -Say heIIo -Don't touch. shrunken tribaI chieftain... ...from viIIage ConstopoIocoIus HoIihoIibosis.... teIIing Scooby-Doo computer-generated. way! Iooked interested check Choking?! HeimIich maneuver. not-- choking! choking not? know. choking. choking dangerous. fauIt. Someone's choking... ...no maneuver! Robin Ricky Chicken satay? stick stuck esophagus? chance. got? -Crab cakes. With attitude ''crabby'' wiener tiny nuts? had... nuts. Hi! bathroom. -In Iiving IoveIy furniture I'd-- After freshen terrace aperitif. yeah! Gotta dance. guy? idiot ruining party. Bring dark-haired run by? Dark-haired by chief? Shark FareweII adieu... -...my wee Spanish Iadies. about? white chief. Two ton Twenty -footer. shark that seen shark's eyes Kind doIIs' IifeIess-Iike. Twenty nine kids two ice cream rest. ApriI th haIf p.m. Wait. arm. arm there chiefy. becoming person.... him! bIue henchies! stepped cow pie! -Forget wasn't Fresh air. you! is! HeIIo. ConstabIe MueIIer Bavarian Tax Authority. Ms. owes substantiaI amount taxes... exchange student University HeideIstrudeI. coupIe questions. bite her. bite. -Freak. -Yes? move. -Wait Wait Doesn't promising. pIan B. reIax. God just-- being touched. dropped -Thank -Let's shaII -There's nothing inside. coId medicine gross dear? from? Where's other Suave. Terry Suave's London ScotIand Yard. British government wants. Miss Baker-- At service.... regards Operation Minty Hippo. Hippo? it'd reaI ding-dong-ding-wad... CharIeston Chew. Got Doubt -Put squeeze chat box. up? straightaway. muscIe. FamiIiar scenario. physicaI? bIow dewy gumbeI start things. FinaIIy smack didgy dodge. someone yeII ''Timber''? receive Ietter. received day sir. FoIIow Bowman... ...has forced more... order steaI worId. they're somewhere. tight sweater! -Sorry -Trent? -Hey Sophia! Trent? odds? Shut cIown. -Leave aIone buIIy! worry. sIapping enjoy demoralizes daddy Pistachio! saving horribIe friend Pistac-- ApoIIo tour. probIem Simpson. CDs. Jessica seem tired Frabbrizio. over. insane! -ThoroughIy insane. -Am asIeep chest. Today saw dressed ...Iike hairy guy... moment this... ...pathetic insane absurd... ...spastic anything. nice true. turn mud oatmeaI buiId spaceship traveI PIuto. rescue mama papa. pep taIk transformed butter-bottom. said ''Tiny butter-bottom.'' I future babies? Jennifer? ''Future babies.'' fat-cat red dress on? mean-- ''Fat-cat''-- emotion. just.... kiss. apoIogize forward. bit? is? Time Back business. pIanning -Fresh Night. -Night. -Night -Good guard. he'd match against henchmen... ...who orders kidnap running out... ...as final touches evil scheme. Grandfather pIease ideas. fIoating prerecorded hoIogram. What's question? mustered overcome enemies. mom's -Bowman's cigar. mom She's buying cigars do! mansion. dress--? -SiIence! chance? Sometimes mouth babies.... quietIy. Iistening. crazy-- work! Feast eyes! Some Mona Lisa. ruby sIippers. Betsy Ross originaI. David? Bruce WiIIis' hairpiece Die Hard One prized possessions Lunar ModuIe. Yep. smaII step BIack MarkEbay poIicy asking items obtained. case curious. ItaIy's own Want auction off? -Too Krazy GIue Frabbrizio's Then tomorrow push over cIiff. Everyone dead. caIIed crime. Ever heard rest Bowman pie? Later PaImer. on. even pie from. figure. cherries tickIish. sIippery. Cuteness Cherry Pie Man! Black MarkEBay spokesmodel... nation's auctioned off. famous ''We People. '' Yo Doug. Check occur son?! matter. way Steve caIIed. great. -Sure. married! dude ninja senseIess! set free! beIt! -Wait! Ninjas! -Out stays raise! us siIIy! Smorgasbord. corn -Pistachio. -Grandpapa. witness victory. yet. throw Instead kiII -Papa. puIIed side side? ExactIy Star Wars? Bowman! mask. grab eat OIive Garden. Iair... ...fiIIed objects! Disguiseys... PaIermo State Penitentiary. hate -But Papa-- between papa! carefuI! swear are. not! -Goodbye peanut! -Use remember? You'd days. Right? Underwear coming.... Stuck butt crack.... underwear's hea