When I was 22 got involved with the Russian Mafia here’s how it happened… went to school at Florida State not a very good student. there like 7 seven years… in most of 90s college longer than grunge music around. This is bad student was one time signed up for class thinking Spanish and took 3 classes before realize “I don’t think this Spanish”… So leave. The teacher who hot he definitely worked out… I’m kidding girl. And she still hot. She stopped me said “Don’t go anywhere need 14 kids teach class you’re 14th order get my masters. So if you sit back down have do anything all semester I’ll just give C. “zdravstvuyte bitches back!” 1 2 4 never learned word. Think about what saying 2 years language 4 semesters career semesters! taught Russian. Do any idea it’s an immigrant DMV day like…? end same teacher pulls aside she’s “we’re taking trip Russia you’ll minor. “ok hold on- know can’t really speak read write or understand language right?” She’s “I’m fucking..well aware that”. You gotta remember test which unfamiliar their alphabet. take make hieroglyphics? answer star circle hashtag shoe… goes “It doesn’t matter we happen you’ve taken ones will take minor.” “that’s had say. Let’s Russia fuck some minors”. It different minor obviously- that hard way. 1995 when mob ran everything… they told us first night sat whole they’re “listen paid Mafia keep safe. In exchange our money young gangsters.” room “this fucking awesome.” word gangster “banditti”. They “these banditti are gonna live us walk from on field trips fieldtrips. speak them Mafia. look engage interact them- “they’re be best fuckin friends… night grab bottle Vodka 6 pack “baltika” local beer planned sentence say “zdravstvuyte menya zovut Bert. Ochen' priyatno. YA rabotayu koshka.” Does anyone here? tell sentence says. It’s badass sentence it. “Hello name’s Bert nice meet you. work pussyyy. Kind of means cats. didn’t know expect- matter because second door opens face real gangster wife beater tattoos track pants cigarette. stares frat boy State. wearing fanny pack. He looks “Chto!” panicked everything saying flooded outta head him Russian his doorway am Machine”. started laughing “what did say?” machine!!”- grabs “come friends” brings full 9 gangsters drinkin smokin “STOP! Tell them said.” Now “fuck it”. “IM THE MACHINE!” looked each other it! HES became Machine. these guys loved me. though reason is: shot long until morning. But knew “I’M And cats…” together. guy answered door name Igor friend together pool hall scam stole boat… literally summer life. then day Moscow overnight train trip. “Igor blast cabin”. go”. “why not?” “different runs train Moscow”. “Well on what’s mean me?”. worry set banditti you they’ll care you”. Sure enough station introduces new Igor Igor. says “Guys Machine Machine Vodka great time.” bigger Igors kid Christmas morning he’s “Oh wait play Machine!” “The machine coach sits us.” “That’s about!” We pimped out booze food and part: takes off station everyone works comes pay respects. conductor walked in rips stars stripes shirt places lap present Machine would honor old “Huh stories might gotten control”. drank booze hour big stands “Machine bar cart more Vodka” it mob whatever want”. roll into dick locker room- I’ve ever been but seen Just *smack!* where “oh shit okay...” “Woah someone’s here okay alright!” behind bread”. Russian! understood him. For learning!” learning way through flashcards textbooks by joining Mafia”. “Igor! said!” He’s “Good Machine.” “Can find cheese?” “Cheese! Give another one!” “Grab already one one.” money.” “Huh?” money!” realized instant uh we’re robbing cart. doing hooked phonics style. out. classmates see “you’re so much trouble”. cabin within 5 minutes head chaperone trip English hated me robbed train. over swings open like liberal arts confidence. “This shit over done! You’re Stand right now you-you stand u- dare- done up!” confused smiles sip vodka spits her eyes “No talks that.” Shuts “Fuck bitch Russia!” worry gets dark like… dark?! Reaches pocket ring keys “We’re train.” …I’m person… cheat why- lemme you- wife. morning family bed dogs cats girls were giggling pure perfect thought myself want screw up important thing- life’s about. chocolate chip pancakes laid bed wife”. conversation myself situation hot girl’s flirting seems could further cockblock myself. front DON’T CHEAT ON MY WIFE!” Now may wrong hitting drink face slap right. None matters conversation. Here’s problem trains. presented opportunity I’d “Not verbs”. apparently that’s start class”. first while slept makes better. consolation too bag them. drank long. All Top drunks without throwing entire pull Moscow AM pissed drunk. drunk piss dick!” Train stops sun’s hammered. Door opens mad… Curious right? eyes smiling they’ve alerted police”. platform standing cop talking upset robbed it… Apparently heard snitches stiches. Big sees completely unphased talk police both us”. “Oh thank god”. cracks “Ah wouldn’t bring officer maybe.” Lights cigarette walks out who’s statement. cop statement! him arm spins around “FUCK YOU! mouth! ass!” “We- “Stop *we* shit!!” staring hear bark (Angry nonsense) which even sound ok stay there!” come-to-jesus moment fucked up. thought as next with- only isn’t plan spending junior year”…in Gulag dicks throat. five steps impatient shit. ass steps away “So… Machine?” Nice “Tonight party “What?” “Tonight yes?” “Wait trouble?” close can smell cigarette “No.” bitch Russia.”