Either peace or happiness?let it enfold you when I was a young man?I felt these things were?dumb and unsophisticated.?I had bad blood twisted?mind precarious?upbringing. hard as granite I?leered at the sun. trusted no man and?especially woman. living hell in?small rooms broke?things smashed things?walked through glass?cursed.?I challenged everything?was continually being?evicted jailed in and?out of fights out?of my mind.?women were something?to screw rail?at male?friends changed jobs and?cities hated holidays?babies history?newspapers museums?grandmothers?marriage movies?spiders garbagemen?english accentsspain?franceitalywalnuts and?the color?orange.?algebra angred me?opera sickened me?charlie chaplin a?fake?and flowers for?pansies. happiness to me?were signs of?inferiority?tenants weak?and?addled?mind. but went on with?my alley fights?my suicidal years?my passage through?any number of?women-it gradually?began occur to?me?that wasn't different from the?others same they all fulsome?with hatred?glossed over with petty?grievances?the men fought in?alleys hearts stone.?everybody nudging?inching cheating for?some insignificant?advantage?the lie the?weapon the?plot was?empty?darkness the?dictator. cautiously allowed?myself feel good?at times.?I found moments of?peace cheap?rooms?just staring the?knobs some?dresser?or listening the?rain the?dark.?the less needed?the better I?felt. maybe other life worn me?down.?I longer found?glamour?in topping somebody?in conversation.?or mounting the?body some poor?drunken female?whose had?slipped away into?sorrow. could never accept?life was?i gobble?down its?poisons?but there parts?tenuous magic parts?open for the?asking. re formulated?I don't know when?date time all?that?but change?occurred.?something me?relaxed smoothed?out.?i to?prove that a?man didn't have prove?anything. began see things:?coffee cups lined up?behind counter a?cafe.?or dog walking along?a sidewalk.?or way mouse?on dresser top?stopped there?with its body?its ears?its nose?it fixed?a bit life?caught within itself?and eyes looked?at me?and were?beautiful.?then- was?gone. good?I good?in worst situations?and plenty?of those.?like say boss?behind his desk?he is going have?to fire me. I've missed too many?days.?he dressed a?suit necktie glasses?he says 'I am going?to let go' 'it's right' tell?him. He must do what he?must do he has a?wife house children?expenses most probably?a girlfriend. sorry him?he caught. walk onto blazing?sunshine.?the whole day is?mine?temporarily?anyhow. (the world the?throat world?everybody feels angry?short-changed cheated?everybody despondent?disillusioned) welcomed shots of?peace tattered shards of?happiness. embraced stuff?like hottest number?like high heels breasts?singingthe?works. (don't get me wrong?there such thing cockeyed optimism?that overlooks all?basic problems just for?the sake of?itself-?this shield a?sickness. The knife got near my?throat again?I almost turned the?gas?again?but good?moments arrived?again?I fight them off?like an alley?adversary.?I take me?I luxuriated them?I made welcome?home.?I even looked into?the mirror?once having thought?myself be?ugly?I now liked what?I saw almost?handsome yes?a ripped and?ragged?scares lumps?odd turns?but all?not bad?almost handsome?better least than?some those movie?star faces?like cheeks of?a baby's?butt. finally discovered?real feelings of?others?unheralded?like lately?like this morning?as leaving?for track?i saw wife bed?just the?shape of?her head there?(not forgetting?centuries living?and dead dying?the pyramids?Mozart dead?but music still?there the?room weeds growing?the earth turning?the tote board waiting for?me)?I shape my?wife's head?she so still?I ached her life?just being there?under the?covers. kissed the?forehead?got down stairway?got outside?got into marvelous?car?fixed seatbelt?backed out the?drive.?feeling warm to?the fingertips?down my?foot gas?pedal?I entered world?once?more?drove the?hill?past houses?full empty?of?people?I mailman?honked?he waved?back?at