every year when I blew out the candles my first wish was to never be alive it always this dead feeling i felt inside whether heartbreak pain or grief solemnly retched thing made me feel defeat numb broken shallow and bruised pointy toothpicks rusty screws god why like couldn’t have been anything new maybe just an abyss aching crunchy crisp picking up so much shit picked hands balled fist fighting way through all these funny tricks stepping cracking sticks but that kept happening within 19 years knew could only ever wanted one got thought would suddenly winter turns spring everyone starts sing sit in front of cake starting think wonder mistake ? did negative feelings take over single day on okay lips begin connect with tears not joy sadness because head stupid crazy madness