During elementary recess I could be found sitting on the shaded benches happily chatting with teachers about anything but tetherball. Even at seven preferred isolation to activities where didn’t fit. Though my wide smile came easily words never did and struggled connect peers. Rough-housing competition appeal me and while other kids kicked a soccer ball loop Gaga. For years instead of running toward connection ran from one thing: myself. My parents wanting active despite painful shyness enrolled in karate basketball tennis though would have much watching Ina Garten roast chicken or avoid blazing Texas sun by wandering aisles an air-conditioned H-E-B. Boys cry as widely so learned restrain Those hyper-masculine spaces reinforced sense un-belonging weight erasure was heavy. In high school used academics shield behind which hide. Each grade felt like receipt proving worth. At first strategy worked classes became harder what began coping mechanism catalyst for burnout. judged myself before anyone else could not achieving impossible standards set paralyzing. Although school overwhelming find outside class during conventions conferences mission trips. travels–from Israel Birmingham–were important cultivating values therefore confidence through firsthand experiences. explore affirm identity bringing people shared interests together. When local infrastructure Jewish programming lapsed took initiative grow National Congregation Synagogue Youth chapter thirty kids re-established school’s Student Union educated advocacy StandWithUs intern amid rising antisemitism. The same once tried conceal welcomed youth group Gaga lyrics common ground fellow interns. bridging parts thought were opposition–tradition individuality restraint expression–I conflict relief. empowered each new connection made energy radiated chest pushing corners mouth into smile. By contributing causes that resonated deeply values allowed create belonging realized had isolated previously large part thing quite right: mental framework existence–what told how should feel interpret world matched reality. Too often those meant uplift lacked imaginative capacity see fully. only heal when built whole self exist. believed expression joy many around insisted toughness. version joy Ree Drummond playing basketball. Avoidance is past. Now pursue experiences cultivate rich inner world. Through efforts personal understand creating community based similarities–but more importantly accepting opposing truths–can liberating anyone. channel angst initiating community-building projects giving voice process. Ultimately this why strive inclusive possible know it feels stand universe you don’t belong–even if it's your own. want university I'll disappointed leave. place can tikkun olam–repairing world–while I’m constantly striving repair communities continue